just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
