What tipped you off? The sombrero?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
