Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
