My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
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