i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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