well I can't set my house on fire every night
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
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