I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
