Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
