im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
