The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
