i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
