I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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