just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
