NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
