Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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