Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
