Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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