I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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