I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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