What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
