I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Randomize
