tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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