i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
