If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
