Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I have fence marks all over my body
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
