Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
they need to just BURY HIM!
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
