Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
