I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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