I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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