I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
