i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
