im having a threesome with these popsicles
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
What drink are we having for lunch?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
