I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
