Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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