Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
