so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
