I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
