I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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