It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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