You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
It's official drugs can't kill me
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
