Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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