well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
