And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
