I cockslap morals
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
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