my shit smells like andre
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
soo... how was my night?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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