dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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