Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
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