apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
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