Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
