you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
