i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Boobs are out for the taking
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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