yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
