For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
